externalmemorycomic:

Image description: a five page comic with messy writing and messy line drawings coloured with gouache. Each page has four panels and each panel has a caption and an image.

Page one
Caption: Mouse and Ruth go for drives a lot.
Image: a red car drives down a country road.
Caption: to stores and beaches and the dump where you can find cool things.
Image: a white mouse looks up at a wall with doll’s heads nailed to it, labeled “wall of dolls”.
Caption: I almost never join. Ruth asks, “isn’t My going stir crazy?”
Image: a deer is driving a car, and the mouse sits on a pile of pillows on the passenger’s seat.
Caption: but I’m so used to this I forget there’s anything to go crazy about
Image: an orange cat lies in bed.

Page two
Caption: When we lived in Malmö there were weeks I didn’t leave the apartment
Image: the cat peeks out a window, looking at a pigeon that’s pooping on the window ledge.
Caption: months I didn’t see anyone besides Mouse. I just couldn’t manage the stairs
Image: the cat looks down an exaggerated, maze-like staircase.
Caption: Mouse wasn’t much better off. I took up indoor “gardening” so we wouldn’t miss nature too much. Of course I often couldn’t water the plants. It felt bitter and symbolic when they died
Image: the cat is in a different bed, looking at a house plant on a side table that’s beginning to wilt.
Caption: here there’s no stairs and I have plants and bees right outside my window
Image: the cat is in the first bed, drawing a comic. There’s a flower, a butterfly and a bee outside the window behind it.

Page three
Caption: people tend to get frustrated with my acceptance
Image: the cat takes down a half finished painting from an easel.
Caption: even after we’ve talked a lot about my illness, they think I should plan ahead as if a cure is right around the corner
Image: a rabbit is standing beside a table covered in unfinished canvases, looking at  one of them. The cat stands behind them, looking nervous.
Caption: often it’s the same people who respond to tragedies you CAN fix by saying “life’s not fair”
Image: the cat is rescuing bugs from drowning in a water barrel and the rabbit looks over its shoulder, looking annoyed.
Caption: but when I let go of what I can’t have, they see it as defeat.
Image: the cat is curled up and hiding in bed while the rabbit stands over them, frowning, holding the unfinished painting and waving two paintbrushes.

Page four
Caption: I understand the impulse to say “maybe some day”. When it’s kindly meant, I value the intention.
Image: The rabbit has its arm around the cat’s shoulder and waves towards a thought bubble. In the thought bubble the cat is floating and happy at the end of a rainbow with pink clouds, flowers and a smiling sky in the background.
Caption: but few things are more dangerous to my soul than “maybe some day”
Image: the cat huddles on the ground and hides its face. Right above the cat, as if pushing down, is a bigger thought bubble with images of the cat looking happy - dancing, being held, proudly painting, holding a baby.
Caption: There is no greater wisdom in life than: fix what you can and accept what you can’t.
Image: the thought bubble is breaking up and shrinking. The cat is sitting up, smiling at a dandelion beside it.
Caption: some times, giving up isn’t just the only way to survive but to thrive, and leave room for joy.
Image: The half finished canvases are burning on the ground and the cat walks away without looking back.

Page five
Caption: today I’m sad because I’m in pain and I miss moving and doing
Image: the cat is crying in bed.
Caption: but when I thank God for giving me this life filled with blessings, it’s from the heart.
Image: the cat wipes away some tears and looks a little happier.
Caption: I am happy more often than not. I mostly cry from gratitude. There is no contradiction
Image: the cat closes its eyes and is surrounded by a pink glow and red cartoon hearts.
Caption: life will ask me to let go of much bigger things and maybe I can come with to the dump next time
Image: the cat looks at the wall of dolls and says: “cool!”

End ID.

Here’s some disability thoughts I had during my latest flare (hence the wobblier-than-usual lines and messy writing). I hope it makes sense even if I was pretty confused when I made it!

I have POTS and ME/CFS, as well as ADHD and being autistic. Accepting the reality of being bed/housebound and hard-of-thinking often is going to be a life long effort but I’m getting there. Happy disability pride month!!!

Reblogs are much appreciated!

(if you wanna help me live and stuff and make more art and comics I have a Patreon. I post comic pages there on average once a day for the 3€ tier as well as other fun things! Link in my pinned post)